GET OUT OF MY HEAD, CHARLES

[halfcocked]

[someone's at your window, Hakuren, late in the evening on the 22nd . . . ]

Comments

[a-holy-oak.livejournal.com]

That's what you do, when you love someone, right--?

[halfcocked.livejournal.com]

[there's this little flutter of nervous, semi-sexual joy every time Hakuren says the word]

Yeah--me too--

[I hope I can cook for him right]

[a-holy-oak.livejournal.com]

[distracted by from the first part by the last, with a little pleased flutter] --You want to learn?

[halfcocked.livejournal.com]

Maybe . . . [a little embarrassed, though not even he knows why--it's not my thing--but there's a desire there to make things for Hakuren by myself]

[a-holy-oak.livejournal.com]

[a warm, quiet fondness] You know, Mikage's a pretty good cook too.

[halfcocked.livejournal.com]

He made the food for you when I gave you the ring. But it's not the same! [basking in that warmth, yes]

[a-holy-oak.livejournal.com]

What I meant is that--if you don't want me to teach you, he could.

[halfcocked.livejournal.com]

Oh, good idea . . . he'd get it, too . . . he knows what it's like! Being married!

[a-holy-oak.livejournal.com]

We're not actually married yet ...

[but they're just words; he understands that]

[halfcocked.livejournal.com]

I feel married.

[with some satisfaction and pleasure]

[except for the lack of sex]

[a-holy-oak.livejournal.com]

[raises a bit of an eyebrow at that, mentally and physically]

Not until we get home.

[halfcocked.livejournal.com]

I know that! I know! But when we get home . . .

[XXX]

[a-holy-oak.livejournal.com]

--Devit!

[MOSTLY AN INCOHERENT JUMBLE OF SHEER EMBARRASSMENT]

[halfcocked.livejournal.com]

I can't help it, I'm not like you where I can just lock it all away--!

[I wonder if it's behind one of those locked doors

. . . XXX]

[a-holy-oak.livejournal.com]

Devit!

[ALL THOSE DOORS ARE PRETTY SECURELY SHUT]

[halfcocked.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry, I'm sorry!

[he really is; please don't be mad it's because I love you and you're so hot and I just want to SORRY]

[a-holy-oak.livejournal.com]

[still very embarrassed, automatically covering it with a veneer of poise--it's like second nature to him to repress and push it aside, though it comes out cold] It's all right.

[halfcocked.livejournal.com]

[can feel that] . . . You're just embarrassed, not mad? Why are you embarrassed about how I feel?

[curious, not angry]

[a-holy-oak.livejournal.com]

Because--

[it's not something that's easy to articulate; there are years that have built up into dozens of layers, of it's not proper and a man of the church isn't allowed (even now) and just general inexperience with being desired and having desire in the first place]

[physically, just shrugs]

[halfcocked.livejournal.com]

[physically petting Hakuren's hair now, draped on him; it's not like I have experience either just what feels good on me or I saw on the internet but I really want to, someday . . .

nudging at his mind with a small amount of desire, not innocent, but more tender than passionate, feel]

[a-holy-oak.livejournal.com]

[very firmly pushing that away--gently, but still, for now, refusing] Not right now, Devit.

[halfcocked.livejournal.com]

[there's a little shudder of almost physical sickness at the rejection, but he pushes that away, feeling silly and ashamed] Sorry.

[a-holy-oak.livejournal.com]

[is calm and very firm about this--there is still the affection and the warmth there, but also a tight rein on it] I'm not mad.

[halfcocked.livejournal.com]

I know, I know. [there's still a knot of sick worry in the pit of his stomach, but he breathes deeply, working on relaxing]

[a-holy-oak.livejournal.com]

[takes his hands, squeezing them] What are you worried about?