GET OUT OF MY HEAD, CHARLES

[halfcocked]

[someone's at your window, Hakuren, late in the evening on the 22nd . . . ]

Comments

[a-holy-oak.livejournal.com]

--Devit!

[MOSTLY AN INCOHERENT JUMBLE OF SHEER EMBARRASSMENT]

[halfcocked.livejournal.com]

I can't help it, I'm not like you where I can just lock it all away--!

[I wonder if it's behind one of those locked doors

. . . XXX]

[a-holy-oak.livejournal.com]

Devit!

[ALL THOSE DOORS ARE PRETTY SECURELY SHUT]

[halfcocked.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry, I'm sorry!

[he really is; please don't be mad it's because I love you and you're so hot and I just want to SORRY]

[a-holy-oak.livejournal.com]

[still very embarrassed, automatically covering it with a veneer of poise--it's like second nature to him to repress and push it aside, though it comes out cold] It's all right.

[halfcocked.livejournal.com]

[can feel that] . . . You're just embarrassed, not mad? Why are you embarrassed about how I feel?

[curious, not angry]

[a-holy-oak.livejournal.com]

Because--

[it's not something that's easy to articulate; there are years that have built up into dozens of layers, of it's not proper and a man of the church isn't allowed (even now) and just general inexperience with being desired and having desire in the first place]

[physically, just shrugs]

[halfcocked.livejournal.com]

[physically petting Hakuren's hair now, draped on him; it's not like I have experience either just what feels good on me or I saw on the internet but I really want to, someday . . .

nudging at his mind with a small amount of desire, not innocent, but more tender than passionate, feel]

[a-holy-oak.livejournal.com]

[very firmly pushing that away--gently, but still, for now, refusing] Not right now, Devit.

[halfcocked.livejournal.com]

[there's a little shudder of almost physical sickness at the rejection, but he pushes that away, feeling silly and ashamed] Sorry.

[a-holy-oak.livejournal.com]

[is calm and very firm about this--there is still the affection and the warmth there, but also a tight rein on it] I'm not mad.

[halfcocked.livejournal.com]

I know, I know. [there's still a knot of sick worry in the pit of his stomach, but he breathes deeply, working on relaxing]

[a-holy-oak.livejournal.com]

[takes his hands, squeezing them] What are you worried about?

[halfcocked.livejournal.com]

. . . I know you love me but I hate getting rejected, I get worried that--

[--I'm gross, that you think I'm ugly or not attractive, or maybe you'll just never want me and maybe every time we kiss you hate it . . . ]

--I know it's not true because you tell me so and I trust you, but even though I know it in my head I feel that way a little bit.

[squeezing his hands back]

[a-holy-oak.livejournal.com]

[considering this, weighing several responses quickly and discarding them before they have a chance to really manifest through the link, then:]

Kiss me.

[halfcocked.livejournal.com]

--Huh?

[so much hopeful excitement]

[a-holy-oak.livejournal.com]

[a little nervous, but also determined, meeting Devit's eyes evenly] I said kiss me.

[halfcocked.livejournal.com]

[a moment like he was going to say more, but distracted by that face, crawling up close and leaning in to meet his lips]

[a-holy-oak.livejournal.com]

[kisses him back softly, slowly relaxing some of his control--there is a quietly wry sense of amused self-deprecation, it always feels like the first time when we do this, but there's also a deep sense of comfortable rightness, and pleasure--this is the only person I would ever want to do this with]

[halfcocked.livejournal.com]

[on his part, there's a sense of deep, echoed pleasure, there's no one else in the world, and some surprisingly firm self-restraint of his own: this much, and no more, or he'll get scared or yell at me . . . it's hard, but this much is good, too . . .

and, of course, some very deep, undeniable lust]

[a-holy-oak.livejournal.com]

[shivers a little at that, nerves and the briefest hint of wistfulness both, but resolutely concentrates more on the immediate kiss itself, and how much he does like it, and enjoys the closeness, for however long he allows himself to have it]

[halfcocked.livejournal.com]

[you okay? but is distracted by those feelings, echoing them back tenfold, I could do this for hours and not get bored]

[a-holy-oak.livejournal.com]

[moans a little, faintly, into the kiss, shivering]

[halfcocked.livejournal.com]

[the stab of desire at that sound is immediate and hard and gratifying, though Devit controls it surprisingly well]

[a-holy-oak.livejournal.com]

[finally, and with a reluctance that he deliberately doesn't hide, pushes Devit back]